I texted Eve to ask where I should buy these new sheets I suddenly needed, and somehow that turned into a ten-minute phone call.
“Why do you sound out of breath?” she asked.
“Because I’m running.”
“Why are you talking on the phone while you’re running? Shouldn’t you be running?”
“Thank you Captain Obvious. That was why I texted you in the first place.”
She sighed, grumbling something about how a full-grown man should know where to buy sheets. “I just assumed if I was getting a text on a Saturday morning, requesting advice on fucking sheet shopping, that there had to be a story to go along with it.”
I didn’t reply.
“So there is a story…” she drawled.
I still didn’t answer. I knew it wasn’t going to get me anywhere, but I still held out a little hope Eve would let it drop.
“Tell me the fucking story!” she finally yelled into the phone.
I yanked my ear buds out and popped my ears. “Thanks for fucking blowing out my eardrums.” I stopped at the corner and carefully put them back in. “Could you possibly talk without making me deaf?”
She giggled. “You know we each owe Jake a drink now, right?”
“Fuck it.” Jake was sick of hearing us both say “fuck” all the time so he’d imposed a drink rule. Every time we said it more than two times in a conversation we had to buy him a drink. It was fucking stupid and annoying as shit. And the bastard had gotten at least a bottle of liquor out of each of us in the last month. “Fine.” I started down the next street and took a deep breath. There was only one person I’d ever be this girly and honest with, and that was Eve. “I met someone two nights ago. I offered to give her an orgasm, she turned me down.”
“So you shredded your sheets in misery?”
“No.” I replied flatly. “I went out to dinner last night with Chuck and the guys.”
“She was there?” Eve gasped.
“And she didn’t say no twice?” Her voice went up a few octaves with each word in the sentence.
“No she didn’t.”
And then there was the gasp I was expecting as she put two-and-two together. “Wait…you took her home?” And then her voice dropped to a whisper. “Is she still there?”
“Of course not. But yes, I took her back to my place, thus the need for new sheets.”
“What kind of crazy sex did you two have? I mean, Jake and I have crazy sex, but we don’t need new sheets every time.”
I gagged thinking about my best friend and his wife doing it. Jake was like my brother and Eve was essentially the sister I never had. Thinking about them having sex was as gross as thinking about my parents doing it. “Thanks for the visual.”
“What? We’re adults. We can talk about this stuff.”
“Maybe I’m not nearly as evolved as you are.”
“Whatever,” she sighed. “Don’t you have a spare set you can use?”
“Have you seen my condo? Do I look like the kind of guy who keeps coordinating sheets around for the hell of it? Sally washes them once a week while she’s here. I don’t need a second set.”
“Says you,” she grumbled. “So you met someone who actually made you stop and think for a few seconds and now you need to exorcise her from your condo. Bed, Bath & Beyond at the mall should have what you need. I’d offer to help, but I need to have crazy sex with my husband.” There was a squeal in the background and the sound of Jake’s voice in the distance as Eve’s giggle disappeared from the line.